I was recently asked to be a model in a local bridal show here in Halifax. I was so flattered...a bridal model at the age of 41! Yes, please!! The fashion show was for a bridal salon in the city called Chester & Felicity, put on by Brides 2017 and City Models. Chester & Felicity have the most beautiful gowns and in fact, it was there that I purchased my wedding dress in 1999 before my "big day". I had so much fun trying on all those beautiful dresses! What is it about those puffy things that turn us into giddy little girls? I might never know, but I was shocked at how pretty they made me feel...considering I still have my "holiday pudge" on. Curves are such an asset to bridal wear.
Being in this show got me to thinking about marriage. I've already been down that road once, and I found myself seriously wondering if I could imagine taking another shot at it? I was married for 14 years to a man that I met when I was only 21. We basically grew up together, and we were sad to find out that in our grown up form, we really weren't such a great fit. I struggled for a long time with my divorce being the product of a big, fat, failure of a marriage. It took me awhile (lots of hot yoga, wine and friends) to come to the realization that a 14 year marriage is not a failure but a huge success! A lot of people don't make it that far and it takes some pretty big balls to go through with a divorce and completely start over, which is what I did. It's what we both did, and we're lucky enough to have remained friends through it all.
It's been over two years since our separation and we've both moved on. We share two gorgeous humans that we raised together and it was important that we respected each other through it all-- for them. I'm proud of us. Our marriage was tough, there was lots of happy and sometimes I think, an equal amount of sad. I'm not sure I could ever put myself in the line of fire for that kind of heartache again. Getting married is a huge act of vulnerability and I've never really been good at that.
Will I ever walk down the aisle again? Not sure. I'd like to think I could. It's very romantic if you can manage to forget that you've been to the dark side of the institution and have the lawyers bills to prove it! "We love each other so much baby....let's get the law and our government involved!" does not really make sense to me anymore. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell certainly do! I change my mind on this subject almost daily. I LOVE men, and I'm definitely a "relationship" kinda girl. Marriage as an institution is just one of the many ideas I wrestle with these days, and it's really why I started this blog. Writing has always been my therapy, I forgot that for awhile, in the midst of trying to be everyone else's everything.
Back to the fashion show now. It went off without a hitch. I saw all of the bright eyed, hopeful, brides- to- be in the audience, and their glowing faces and hopeful energy surprisingly made me feel nothing but happy. The dresses in the show were spectacular, talented people fussed over my hair and makeup, and I got to wear my prettiest shoes. It was a perfect day. But in true Cinderella fashion, I left one of my brand new stilettos behind. I was devastated to come home and find one of them missing....but guess what? I messaged pretty much everyone at the show and found that my shoe was safe and sound at the bridal salon. I got in my car, drove over to Halifax and retrieved my gorgeous shoe from those lovely ladies at Chester & Felicity. My life always has room for a Prince Charming....but I'd like to point out, that in this case, I found my own damn shoe!
xoxo Pamela Mae
